Sometimes men and women get dumped because they are too good? Because they are too nice… because they are trying to be a great partner. It’s actually quite common and happens more than you might expect. In this video, I will explain how and why people are taken for granted and lose their relationship because they are too perfect.
ccording to the Investment Model of Relationship commitment developed by Dr. Carl Rusbult, couples’ dependence on, commitment to, and desire for their relationships is based on three factors: 1. Satisfaction with the relationship, 2. The quality of alternatives, and 3, their level of investment. Let me explain.
First, Partners become dependent and committed to relationships when they experience high levels of satisfaction. Partners are satisfied when their relationships gratify their important needs such as companionship, intimacy, sexuality and belonging.
Secondly, Partners’ dependence and commitment also increases when they believe that the alternatives are less desirable than their current relationship. If a person’s needs could be better fulfilled outside of the relationship or if their partner is easily replaced, their dependence on the current relationship diminishes.
Lastl, Partners’ dependence and commitment is influenced their investments into the relationship in terms of time, energy, and other important resources. The more we invest in someone, the more we like and appreciate them as a result. Partners who share a home, family, friends, possessions, and income have made these huge investments into the relationship, making it far too costly to lose.
Because T invested so much more time and energy into the relationship, her love for Jacob grew. On the other hand, Jacob did not work hard to win T’s heart. So, his affection remained flat, T felt taken for granted and unappreciated, and Jacob thought that something was missing.
We need balance. Putting a partner’s needs first can be a beautiful gift; but only between partners who can share equally in the giving and receiving. If one partner is doing all the investing, the relationship becomes lopsided and the person who is trying so hard is taken for granted and unappreciated. Balance is essential.
Healthy relationships require sharing the effort and the work. That means sharing the decisions on choosing restaurants and deciding on movies to see. Happy couples share in deciding who they spend time with, the music they listen to (in the car), and the TV shows they watch together. But, they also share in helping one another with everyday chores and taking care of each others needs.
It can be difficult for some people to do this.. Some people are very agreeable and are constantly putting the needs and desires of others before their own. If this is you, be careful… this behavior is not sustainable and in time, will cause you to resent your partner. So, let your partner invest in you. When they do, they are increasing their feelings of love and appreciation for you. Better yet, invest in one another equally — share in giving and receiving and you will both be more satisfied.
I’m Dr. Antonio Borrello, a psychologist and dating and relationship expert and author of Dating 3.0: Finding Love in the Age of Social Media and the Smart Phone.
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I’m happy to answer subscriber dating and relationship questions anonymously. Email AntonioBorrello@icloud.com